i really dislike a GTA and professor right now.

i am not sure, but minneapolis seems to be shifting to texas.  mostly 'cos i'm not in the mood for extreme cold right now.  (this is re: my spending a few days away from kansas)

the dog is sitting next to me snoring.  it is particularly adorable.  i think i am going to get her a new id tag for her "xmas" gift.  

http://olivegreendog.com/star-of-david-id-dog-tag.html

but about now, i need to head to the grocery store.  fun times.

(ps. i miss you.  if you are reading this, i'd love to hear from you, be it à la text, call, email, or comment.)  for real.

what do you do?

oh, so much i could talk about right now.

i'll give the whirlwind update.

a) i got a TERRIBLE grade on a paper that i felt i did wonderfully on.  damnit.  the teacher made me feel like a complete fucking moron.

b) i cannot believe/begin to comprehend what has gone on in mumbai this week.  it is absolutely disgusting.

c) i did have a particularly fantastic thanxgiving.  i got to see lots of family and some friends (hey there mavis and tom!) :)  and ate FAR too much

d) i got to see dianne and dave today!  oh it was so nice to see them!  she's so big with her little baby in her tummy!  (she is going to be such a fantastic mother! but, she's had fantastic role models!

e) i've found a ruby part 2.  i need to control myself, but she's such a cute girl.  

okay.  that's it for now.

stupid GTAs.

quite peeved today.  in regards to two incidents.  (i don't wish to further elaborate at the moment 'cos the two "wounds" are really hacking away at me right now) 

bah.. i need to get ready for work.

quit it dog!

goodness me, i've got a bit of a sore throat.  damnit.  

i could feel it coming on friday a bit, but i think i wore myself down too much, and my body decided it could not fight it off.  

on a lighter note.  i did some yardwork today.  i raked up leaves, and then used my reel-mower to chop them to smitherines!  it took forever, but it'll be nice 'cos then they'll more easily decompose.  (not to mention won't blow around and cover the sidewalks as much)

hmm.  L&L came over today and visited our place.  i haven't seen them in forever!  it was nice though, and we got to catch up a bit.  

i have copious amounts of reading to accomplish.  we'll see how that goes.  and, thanksgiving is almost here.  holy shit where has the year gone?  still scheming a getaway.

my brain just 'sploded

somedays, i can't focus.  somedays, i focus with extreme precision.  

today is, unfortunately, the latter.  i know i bitch about not being able to focus, but in my mind, it is a much greater frustration to fixate on one or two things to an unhealthy level.  

well.  so much for lunch.  i think i'm going to spend the rest of the day doing housework.  what an amazingly fucking fun life i lead.  (oh, and trying to catch up on the reading for my classes.  it is amazing how i can go from being caught up to being an entire book behind in ONE day.  ONE.  that's it, ONE day.)

i swear to everything holy, if i don't get away from everything for at least a day or two, i'm going to go carnival freak crazy.  even looking at certain people's faces makes me want to scream.  

my mental bail-out

i decided i need a mental stimulus package.  and have decided to bail myself out by not attending either of my ENG courses today.  (for which i will, assuredly, pay for dearly within the next few weeks)  i decided though, that sitting with a puppy in nothing but pjs was a much nicer alternative.  

i'm also listening to 7 different artists sing Ave Maria which happens to be my favorite catholic song of all time.  my particular favorite, is a version done by Dolores O'Riordan and Luciano Pavarotti, though, it doesn't really contain the full lyrics.  (aside- she is amazingly beautiful, i always just thought of her with REALLY short hair, but holy simoleons she's a hottie!)

anyhow.  this song brings up my point.  the catholic church.  of which i was raised in.  i have so many fundamental issues with the church, but there are some very deep rooted ideas in it that i hold dearly to my heart.  

for example!  the idea of sanctification of Mary.  i mean come ON!  that is pretty much the coolest thing ever, placing so much emphasis on the woman, who is the mother of all life.  why can't they continue this love of woman and include her in the clergy?!  i mean, sure, there are nuns and sisters, but that is quite limited.  and i feel it pushes an anti-woman ideal onto the church.  

(my favorite part of catholicism is that they believe in the bodily assumption of mary into heaven - just like jesus - which places so much importance on her!)

alright alright, enough of my dogmatic spiel.  it's time to get something to drink.  

(ps. i don't know if i can ever reconcile my differences with the church, and will probably remain Jewish for the rest of my life) -- most notably because i do not believe that jesus was the messiah, i just like the theatrics/stories of the catholic church.  (and the music, and the incense, and going to mass with dianne)  :)

isn't it always about school?

i need to clean my house.  hardcore.  it is such a mess right now, but i've had no time to do it!

אין לי זמן לעשות שום דבר

mostly, i need to sweep the floors, and vacuum my area rug.  other than that, everything is just "clutter".  so i think after i finish this, i'll do just that.  (and maybe fold some laundry)  this is particularly important as L&L are for sure! coming over on sunday, and i don't want the first time they see my house for it to be a pigsty!

גם אני רוצה שטום יכל ללבת לבית שלי בערב שבת

אבל אני חושב שסקוט עושה לטום לא נוחות

i need to read the first book of One of Ours for class on thursday as well.  (not to mention some TS Eliot, WB Yeats, and katherine mansfield on top of that)

AND, finally, i need a new pair of shoes.  my chucks have all but fallen apart (and it's now a "problem" at work) and the sole has worn through on my blue speedcats.  i'm reluctant to spend 75$ on a pair of shoes right now.  *sigh*

**edit** i found a pair of coffee/yellow speedcats for on sale, but they are still quite pricey.  i'm debating.. but i'll probably get them.

a momentary lapse in writing

i'm taking a breather from my ENG314 paper.  i am, thankfully, 1/2 of the way through the actual writing/typing.  however, i did much pre-work, (is that a real phrase?) and came up with the main points i wish to elaborate on, now is the filler work.  horray.  (i even wrote my closing statement at work today.  i'm not sure why, but parts of papers just come to me randomly, so i typically end up piecing them together throughout a few days)

what else?

i picked up a copy of Great Selected Works of Willa Cather today, and i'm quite thrilled.  it has my favorite short story of hers "a neighbour rosicky" and my second favorite "paul's case" which makes me a happy boy indeed!

that's it for now.  i should get back to my paper, so i can finish it before midnight.  (haha)

oh, ps.  have any of you taken the GRE?  if so, let me know.  i want to get a little bit of information.  thanks!

mind-ƒu¢k

okay, as promised, here is a more substantive blog.

i have to write a paper for my ENG 314 class (due tuesday) and i haven't a clue what to write about.  :(  i've resigned to the fate that i'll never do well in that class.

other news?

my phone died today.  frustratingly.  especially 'cos i have several months before i can upgrade it.  and it was dead-dead.  like, it wouldn't hold a signal at all.  i couldn't send a text 'cos the screen would lock up in the midst of typing.  it rang, but i couldn't answer it (or tell who was calling to me)  i went to the verizon store in topeka, and paid 55$ for a refurbished phone (the same type)  so, who knows if this one will work either.. but, i suppose it's fixed for now (unfortunately, i had to cough up 55$ which was very uncool)

good news?

i got to watch my little sister in her play (Our Town) and she was very good as Mrs. Gibbs!  i was quite impressed!  all the kiddos were pretty good, but i gotta say, my sister was really good hahaha!  

friday night, i ended up talking to my friend tom until 6a.  needless to say, i was cranky as fuck saturday and today.  hahaha.  but, the conversation was some of the best mental stimulation i've had in a while (that isn't to say i don't get a lot from my friends, but it was almost 10 full hours of philosophizing and speculating and talking about the universe)  --  or as i like to call it, the best brain sex i've had in a while lol.

i'm trying to plan a trip for myself up to minneapolis in either january or march.  we'll see.  but i really need to get away.  i'm wearing myself far too thin down here in kansas right now.  i'm barely sure i'll be able to make it to january, i don't know if i could make it to march...  i need a little time to be with myself.  think my thoughts.  spend a little time getting to know my new car, and not having to take care of a puppy/husband for a couple of days.  (i've been with scott over 5 years now, and i haven't really even had any time away from him in those 5 years)  i'm not saying that our relationship has any issues, but i think a bit of a break for both of us could strengthen our relationship a bit.  (maybe solidify some things).

okay, that was long.  and drawn out.  thanks for reading if you did!  

it's not much, but.

i've never felt so uncertain in my entire life.  and that excites me, and terrifies me.  

i'm welcoming it with open arms, though.

i'll probably give you a much nicer post tonight after i get home.

i've got a song stuck in my head.

Le bourdon peut sonner,
Le curé, marmonner.
C'est pas ça qui le fera
Revenir dans mes bras.

anyhow.  

i finished my HWC paper.  and printed it out.  yay!

that's all i'm putting out there tonight.  i'm a bit exhausted.

i feel a struggle.

i feel this struggle, not only within myself, but around me as well. it's as if a giant red cloud of angst is enveloping me. i don't like this idea, 'cos a) i'm just not into angst anymore and b) it distracts me so.

i just cannot concentrate on anything, and i feel like i can't accomplish anything from a paper to the smallest detail (ie, sending in a payment on time) at first i was just chalking it up to good ol' ADD, but for some reason, that excuse isn't flying this time. i need to get over "it", whatever "it" is, fast.

okay, it's a bit of a lie, i know part of it, but for some reason, i can't allow myself to admit the reason. there are, however, many other things floating around in my personal space, and i just need to grasp them, and show them who's boss!

okay, now putting the cryptic aside-
tomorrow will be such a trying day. i have work from 6.45-11.30a and then class from noon-2.15p and then work again from 3-7.30p. in addition, i need to finish reading My Ántonia, write my HWC paper, start on my thesis/outline for my ENG 314 paper, work on my thesis for my ENG 334 term paper (ok, i can put that aside) and make sure i finish my reading for REL and HWC.  oy.  

i'm going to think positive about tomorrow.  and see if i can't leave work on thursday a bit early to attend a speech in relation to romantic fetishism (in terms of literature silly!)  and try to get in touch with some of those icky thoughts, and throw them aside.  

לשלום חברים שלי

equality, for whom?

i saw a photo today, it was a woman holding a sign "we have overcome" in response to the US electing its first black president.

my only response is
"great, now maybe YOU will overcome your own prejudices, huh?"

i say this, because black voters in california voted overwhelmingly (70%) to pass Prop 8.

how's that for wanting equality?

they have skinny necks, and they shriek!

confused. but happy.

i feel a bit sappy. and it makes me want to barf.

i can't explain myself, for once, i'm at a loss for words.

more?

i need a title.

i was singing along to some LOUD ass black-lady gospel music today, when a knock came at the door. embarrassing!

anyhow, today i'm feeling a bit better, though still embittered. for serious. i think this will rage inside me for a very long time. california is really one of the only places that i could have seen gay marriage lasting. i think this is going to speak volumes for how the rest of the country is going to go. whatever. fucking morons.

what else did i do today?
i did shit tons of dishes. went to class. worked on a paper. cleaned a bit of the house. had dinner at this new deli in town (pretty yummy mavis, we should eat there sometime). listened to odd music. got my winter installment of burt's beeswax lip balm (i get one every winter). thought about someone.

i also watched it flurry today! for real! i was sitting in my ENG 314 class, and it's on the top floor of wescoe, and i noticed the rain was acting funny. it was acting funny, 'cos it was, in fact, snowflurries, NOT rain! it was very soothing to watch, though it only lasted about 3 minutes.

i still really like my new car. it's very nice being able to have the hatch unlocked without having to get the keys out when i'm trying to put ruby in there.

why i hate so many people right now.

the quest​ion was "do you suppo​rt the const​ituti​onal ban on gay marri​age?​"​

two of my FAVOR​ITE answe​rs were-​
"​Absol​utely​!​ Homos​exual​ marri​age shoul​d not be force​d on anyon​e.​"
AND
"I don'​t want my kids to have to decid​e what their​ sexua​l orien​tatio​n is. They have enoug​h to worry​ about​.​"

okay,​ my respo​nses to this are:
no one is forci​ng you to have a homos​exual​ marri​age!​ what the fuck?​ serio​usly?​!​ heave​n'​s to betsy​,​ no one is telli​ng you to get marri​ed to a membe​r of your same gende​r.​

also,​ WTF?​!​ your kids will have to learn​ their​ sexua​l orien​tatio​n regar​dless​ of gay marri​age being​ legal​ or not.

so, fuck you. fuck you very much.​ i am so tired​ of the bulls​hit,​ the water​ed down excus​es,​ and if i hear anyon​e tell me that it threa​tens the sanct​ity of marri​age one more time i'll most likel​y shove​ a used maxi pad down their​ throa​t.​

(​(​and this is comin​g from someo​ne that doesn​'​t even WANT to get marri​ed)​)​
the end.

vote damnit!

i took time out of my day to vote.  (like i do every time there is an election).  anyhow, if you didn't vote, you are dismissed from your duties as my friend.  i'm sorry, but it just won't work out with us.

i'm serious.

anyhow, i need to do some hardcore studying.  time to go.

מה לעשות

אני לא יודע מה לעשות עם החיים שלי

גם אני לא יודע איך אני מרגיש על האיש נחמד

אולי אני צריך ללכת למקום רחוק

אבל אני יודע שאני אוהב את האיש הרבה מפני שהוא חכם וגם מושך

זה בעיה בשבילי :(

okay, enough ivreet hayom.  it's a yucky week this week.  if only for the simple fact i have lots to do, and no time to do any of it.  i do like one of the books i'm reading right now, so that makes it a lot more tolerable, for sure.

my mind is buzzing with thoughts, i cannot focus, and thinking thinking thinking is all i seem to do.  wouldn't it be nice to be paid to think?  perhaps i'll become a sophist ;)

btw, i really hope it rains on wednesday, i'm looking forward to a good soaking.  (so is my yard)

oh. and it's true, i do have a new car.  it's a long story, i'll get to it eventually.

oh, halloween.

for some reason, i always have visions of grandeur for each halloween.  but every year, it ends up that i don't meet those expectations.  

that isn't to say i don't have a good time, it's just that there are a trio of things that lead to the eventual disappointment of the holiday.

1) it always sneaks up on me

2) i never plan anything to dress up as.  or, if i do, i always neglect to get anything together.

3) it goes by so very quickly!

every time halloween comes and goes, i feel my heart is a little bit more saddened by the event.  the other problem, is that it means the imminent threat that is xmas time.  barf.  xmas is nothing but 2 months of guilt trips and consumerist crapola.  that, my dear children, is fodder for another blog entry.

anyhow, i did have fun on the day that IS halloween, but it wasn't so much halloween.  just good ol' friend time, with a little bit of wine, whine, and film.  :)   AND we learned that ruby and mavis' dog kimmy REALLY like one another!  that is such a fantastic turn of events!

i've got to go finish reading my willa cather now.  and work on my papers for the week.  later folksters!